Being prescribed opioids as a recovering alcoholic/addict, has a certain kind of fear attached to it. Especially, if you have a history of taking prescription meds to change the way you feel. But as an ex-alchy who's been in moderate to severe pain now for over a fortnight and virtually subsisted on a carefully curated diet of “addictive” medications, I can’t wait to get off the bloody things.
Over a decade ago, I was working as a facilities worker (posh name for toilet cleaner), at Welcome Break Services, and I have this vivid recollection of one day thinking, as I wiped down the urinals, it will be painkillers if anything that takes me back to drink. I was so sure of it, because I remembered that little high from codeine, I remembered how it got me through some mornings when I was – ironically, perhaps not – trying not to drink. It gave me an hour or so of respite.
At this point, cleaning shit, a year or two into sobriety, I hadn’t even taken paracetamol or ibuprofen. I was anti-meds almost to the point of a Chrisitan scientist – side fact, my dad was a Christian scientist at one point in his life (wish I’d asked him more about it). As soon as I quit drink and drugs, I quit cigarettes, and slowly came off antidepressants, bp meds, and even vitamins (the only thing I couldn’t get off was omeprazole – damn the years of white cider).
But then, in 2019, I was diagnosed – after a few years of tests and much life experience – with fibromyalgia. They wanted to put me on antidepressants – duloxetine (I refused, for right of wrong). I ended up trying amitriptyline and gabapentin, but came off them due to side-effects. There’s various other remedies I’ve used to manage pain, which have proved useful, some medications/supplements, but also exercise and diet. A gluten free/dairy free diet has definitely helped (not an allergy, but an intolerance that causes inflammation). I’ve tried and tested this many times with bread and ice-cream in hope and denial, and I still can’t deny I’m in less pain off these than on them – God only knows why... well, science has a few answers too. I was also prescribed the much-feared co-codamol (codeine and paracetamol), which as a prn (when you need it), works.
I’ve had to make my peace to some extent with taking medications, but being prescribed and taking codeine, the mental jousting has been endless. As a recovering alcoholic, I find myself in a club of likeminded people, and it’s hard not to feel like you’re in some way cheating. It’s been an up and down battle of acceptance, and it still is at times. But then, recently, I had an experience which has in some way changed my perception: I’m more addicted to bread than I am to these opioids.
Hear me out.
In February, I signed up for the Zoe App – interesting experience, lots of self-learning. After doing the tests, the app will assign all foods you eat with scores that are personal to your own microbiome, blood fat and blood sugar responses. What I discovered was, a certain type of seeded gluten free bread, actually gave me a better score than my usual breakfast of porridge with blueberries, an apple, an egg in almond milk with cinnamon. What I also discovered was this bread, toasted with butter (also a surprisingly good score for me), tastes incredible. I’d forgotten just how much I liked bread. As a wild child, free to do what he liked, I would often eat 2, 4, 6 sometimes 8 slices of toast – it’s probably one of the reasons why I got so fat (the sweets, pizza and booze didn’t help). I liked it burnt and butter soaked, I liked it barely toasted at all and left to go cold with a film of butter on top. I liked it any which way, I just liked bread. Baguettes, pastries, baps, anything bread was/is just incredible. My gluten free diet has genuinely incurred a period of grief!
But the point is, I’m not a normal person. I’m an addict and I've been an addict practically my whole life - in a way, it's the human condition, but that's another blog post. There are certain things that trigger an addictive response in me. Bread, for some unbeknownst reason, is one of those things – cheese is another, casein is very addictive, and also causes inflammation (melted cheese on toast, Christ!). And now the Zoe app had given me the go ahead to eat bread again, and apparently some gluten free bread is now nice! In fact, Zoe said, not only is eating this bread normal, it’s good for you. I’d totally given up on bread, because of the gluten free thing, and was used to it. But now, I was eating like four rounds of generously sliced toast for breakfast (with porridge), because the Zoe score was so good. I was finishing work, thinking, I’ll have a toasty snack when I get back, in the same way I used to think I can’t wait for Friday so I can get wrecked with my mates. I could feel it inside me, after a month of wanton bloomer munching, the cravings. I realised this was an unnatural response for me, so I did what I had to do, I stopped. Cold turkey (less risk of seizures than with alcohol). God, all this talk is making me crave it!
Now, opioids et al.
My inclination with these drugs is to take them sparingly, in fact as little as possible. In the last fortnight, I’ve been prescribed codeine, tramadol, diazepam, pregabalin and they even fed me oromorph a couple of times: these are class A – C drugs. I’m sure you’re thinking, “of course, why wouldn’t anyone take these sparingly, unless they were an addict?” But I’m generally more inclined to take the pain than the meds, and again you’re likely thinking, “that makes sense, you're better off without these drugs inside you.” But what I’ve learnt in recent years dealing with a chronic pain condition is, if I take, for example, two co-codamol before I go to bed, I may well nip a period of pain in the bud. But if I don’t, my body tries to deal with the pains itself by protecting itself, overcompensating and tensing up. This can cause the pain to get into a fibro-cycle which goes on for days. This learning was corroborated by doctors and musculoskeletal specialists, who told me the trouble is, people stop taking the medication too soon, thereby prolonging a pain issue which could resolve itself much quicker.
So, here I am, right now trying to manage some of the worst physical pains I’ve ever experienced. I am a recovering alcoholic taking codeine, tramadol, diazepam and pregabalin, in varying (as sensible as possible) quantities – technically, slightly over the daily suggestions, if you consider that, for a number of days, I’ve been awake and trying to manage pain for 20 hours a day.
And, am I craving more? Am I fuck. I'm not impervious to the little highs, of course I'm not (I'm an addict, I'm a human) - sometimes even that calls me, like a little bread high or peanut m&m binge. But I’m sick to death of being doped, my mind hazed, my already fading mental faculties dampened. Try writing in the twirling, doziness of tramadol! There's little clarity. I can't wait to have a prolonged period where I'm free from them all.
But perhaps my epiphany, in those happy days, cleaning toilets, was more wise than it might seem. Because what does an alcoholic do when confronted with the realisation that he’s not actually feeling the addictive allure from these addictive drugs? He starts to ask himself, am I an alcoholic?
But then I think back to the bread. Maybe I’m addicted to yeast!